I love my life as a mother, wife, lover, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and business woman.
But, this was not always the case.
I remember after giving birth to my second of four children being very preoccupied and sad.
I recall after yet another sleepless night sitting alone in a dark rumpus room when the soft footsteps of my husband entered into my silence to join me.
We talked in some detail as tears softly crept down my cheeks.
My European husband did not approve of tears, it was with some relief we continued to talk in the dark, while I was able to mask my voice so as not to betray my tears to him.
He was worried that I was suffering from post natal depression and suggested I should go and see a doctor.
The words he spoke were not his own, he had been talking to family friends of our’s, and I could hear their words utter forth from his lips.
He asked me to tell him how I felt?
That was somewhat difficult, as I sat in the darkness trying to “find” myself.
My days were filled with a two year toddler and a new baby, my husband’s business administration, the household duties and everything else that one needs to juggle each and every day.
My husband wanted to fix me, find the solution and then move on.
It wasn’t natal depression I was suffering from, it was a lost identity of self and I was grieving.
You are just being selfish
These were the words that echoed in my mind and blurted out by my baby boomer mother.
A mother who had dedicated her youth and early years as a adult to the sole care of three children.
She had lived her life for her children and been an excellent role model.
Baking, volunteering at school tuck shop, keeping the house clean, growing a vege garden and had spent years listening to our reader books, learning music and caring for us.
She reminded that this was enough for her, why did this youthful generation need “me time” anyway.
Lost identity grows resentment, not love
What she didn’t acknowledge, but I knew all to well was that she resented us at times for her own decisions.
I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps.
Being arm deep in poo, wee, vomit, cleaning with daily laundry, parents and citizens meetings did not picture on my vision board as my career path.
It wasn’t who I was, it was what I did at that point of time.
I wanted, no I needed more.
Denying me the time to pursue and own my identity was slowing eating my soul away.
I needed a new direction and focus.
Researching and finding myself
I decided it was time to do something for me.
I had always loved finance, investment and had a desire to learn about futures trading, day trading and property investment.
I bought the Money magazine subscription and devoured the pages in between breast feeding and changing nappies.
I would look through properties for sale and educate myself on the body language and sale tactics of the agents.
I would take the kids to the local library, as they sung row, row, row your boat, my nose was in a book about business.
Slowly, I started to feel happy again.
I marveled over the beauty of the sunset, I would take the boys to the beach side parks and I started to laugh again.
We all need to enjoy our own company
As a young wife and mother, I believe we need time to ourselves to reconnect with our hopes, dreams and goals.
Life spent in autopilot is not a place of joy or deep satisfaction.
We have 60 – 80 years on this beautiful blue circular planet hanging in space, why accept, when you have the power to create?
Why exist when you can LIVE.
What about you?
Please feel free to share your stories and journeys below.