I recall being stunned, as the doctor told me that I was pregnant.
My stupefaction was surreal and incredulous.
At the age of 18 years of age I had severe bleeding and cysts on my ovaries.
My hormonal levels were off the charts and the doctors were concerned enough to arrange tests to see what was going on.
The results showed that my chances of falling pregnant were slim, as one specialist told me,
“You are infertile.”
I was never all that interested in having children, but to be given the news at 18 years of age was devastating.
With this history in mind, twelve months into my marriage to hear I was pregnant ….
To comprehend this fact, was more than just overwhelming.
Particularly, since my husband and I had made a choice never to have children.
I felt I had betrayed his trust.
Instead of delight, I resented the growth inside of me.
I didn’t want to be a mother, I didn’t want to have children.
I was confused, vomiting due to morning sickness and wished it would all go away.
I recall my husband holding me as a cried myself to sleep in his arms.
I was celebrating the pass over at my place of worship with family friends and my husband when the cramps, pain and heavy bleeding begun.
My honorary Aunt and Uncle had my husband drive us to their home, they wanted to be there for me in case I was miscarrying.
I recall the pain being worse than that of period pains, and the lower part of my body kept contracting in a rhythm of spasms and pain.
As the cramps intensified, as my “Aunt” called the mobile doctor to her home
Deep sadness and the beginning of shutting out the memory
I recall passing what seemed to be a large dark clot as the doctor arrived.
The doctor knocked on the door and requested that if such occurred could I please put in on toilet paper so that he could examine it.
The dark cloudy blob was confirmed to have been a miscarriage.
The pain intensified, and the doctor stated it would be best to arrange for an ambulance.
He explained to my husband that a D&C should be performed to remove the chance of infection.
As he called the ambulance, the cramping intensified, this time instead of a dead blob of blood, I passed a sack with a living thing moving inside….
It was only tiny and I was instantaneously in extreme shock.
I cannot recall all the emotions that went through my body like a amplified current of numbness.
The freeze passed through my eyes, into my head, sliced my heart, sunk into my feet and faded away into nothingness.
I felt drained, empty, vacant even as I called out to the doctor.
The young doctor looked at the living thing I held in my hand with eyes wide and slightly horrified, he recoiled.
“I think it best to get rid of this immediately!!”
I do not recall how he took it out of my hand, but I replay his tossing it into the toilet and flushing it away like a piece of garbage.
My consciousness faded pretty much after that until I arrived at the hospital with a drip in my hand.
I recollect that my “Aunt” held me close, while the men seemed to be like body guards on either side of my bed.
Lesson One – File the grief away and get on with living
I felt excessive guilt, I didn’t want to be pregnant and a voice in my head told me it was all my fault.
I was culpable for their deaths. I willed them dead.
I didn’t want them and they left my body.
A self-condemned murderer with their blood on my head.
I do recall that he bought me a teddy bear, it was a simple act that I cherished at the time.
My husband is not one for emotion.
It was his way of showing that he cared.
He came from a European family, where no one showed much emotion or cried in public.
When his older brother died, the first anyone knew about it at work was when he approached his boss, on the day of his brother’s funeral to have the afternoon off.
That was all he said, and he returned to work as if it was a doctor’s appointment.
My instructions from my husband were simple, life happens, get on with living.
That’s what I did.